watching: words being typed on my screen
listening to: midnight aria
mood: contemplating life
In the most intellectual of moods, oh, who the hell am I kidding? lol. I've been in the worst moods lately and I can't understand why. I'm a week past my PMS time-period, so that idea is way out the window. I keep on finding crap to complain about and then it just gets me into the crappiest of moods and I get in a fight/arguement with someone about it. It's really stupid if you think about it, and there's not even that much thinking required for it. Bryan's always been there for me whenever I get like that, but sometimes I wonder if I'm too much for him...I could be, very easily. He insists that I'm not, that I'm perfect, but still, most people just say that stuff to make us feel better, right? Maybe it's the music I've been listening to lately, but that just sounds stupid. My cd's cant have that much impact on me, can they? Honestly, Thrice first thing in the morning may not be the most positive start to the morning, but it used to the Used. And running with Atreyu going on in the background can't be bad, can it? I haven't listened to major Emo in forever, as much as I love Hawthorne Heights and Kick Over the Traces and Midnight Aria, I just don't have time to get on my computer all the time to listen to them. So, when I'm in my bad moods, maybe I shouldn't cater to what my senses are telling me to listen to and not pop Atreyu into my cd player for 3 hours, maybe Bad Astronaut or NOFX or Unwritten Law or something would be better, but still. I can't stand that stuff when I'm in a pissed off mood....Now I'm just rambling, but not like that matters anyways, cause no one reads this anyways as far as I know. So there. I mean, I look at Bryan and I see this guy who loves me more than anything on Earth and wants to listen to everything that's wrong with me no matter how miniscule and stupid it is, or even when I don't know what's even wrong with me. He has an answer for everything, one of the many reason's I love him so damn much. Like...I think it was last night, I was just in this really pissed off "get-the-hell-away-from-me" mood and I was talking to him on AIM. I was talking to Fite and he wanted me to come over (parents weren't home), I told Bryan I was thinking about it because my boredom level had hit the top and overflowed my limit. He said he was gonna pretend he didn't hear that, and I just blew up at him. I was like wft? what'd i do? and gave him all this shit about how all I was gonna do was go to a freaking friends house. Then we got into this totally retarded fight about it and how I'm always mad lately. After I took a two minute break, I came back upstairs and apologized and all this shit and started crying. Honestly, that's about the worst mood swing I've ever heard of. And I felt like shit for it too. And there there was Friday night, on the phone with him. I'd finally figured out what had been wrong with me the whole day (after acting like a suicidal sociopath the whole day). Everyone around me my whole life has told me what to be, how to act, how to dress, what not to say, and how to treat every situation thrown at me. I've been trying to be society's so-called "perfect" person my whole life and I finally just got so tired of it. My mom doesn't exactly help it either, whenever I'm even the tiniest bitch to anyone (especially Bryan, which is more understandable), she lectures me on how no one likes someone who's bitchy all the time. Then I get pissed off cause I've heard that one a million times before and then explode at some random person weeks later and the cycle repeats itself.
So, if anyone does read this, help me out? Any sort of advice helps, please....I need this to save w/e kind of relationship I have with anyone...
Kristin

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